The Adventures Of Hax0r Man

Chapter 13

Hax0r Man calls tech support

by LateBlt

  There once was a time when real hax0rs like Hax0r Man would have thought
that the very idea of calling technical support was funny. In that age,
hax0rs were their own tech support, because they knew everything about every
computer. Nothing was left unknown. That's how Hax0r Man would have liked to
keep things, and that's how it's been with most of his computers thus far,
because most of his computers were made in the 1970s and 1980s, a time when
most computers were small and simple enough that one human mind could have a
deep understanding of both their hardware and software.
  But Hax0r Man isn't opposed to progress; he's not necessarily against
bigger and faster computers, although they do tend to produce annoying
problems that older machines don't have. For better or for worse, in the
interests of staying up-to-date, Hax0r Man has gotten a relatively new
computer system, which he is busily exploring. These newfangled computers
have a lot of neat stuff on them that couldn't be done with a VIC-20 or a
TRS-80. Hax0r Man enjoys discovering the nuances of his new machine.
  The new box is not without quirks, of course. For starters, although the
company that brands it is known for excellent "customer service", and have
provided a full-size, full-color poster displaying all the steps necessary to
set up the computer, they somehow forgot to package the genuinely important
documentation: Motherboard schematics and ROM source listings. Hax0r Man will
need to call their customer support line to get these necessities delivered
to him, which is no small task, since the post office and most couriers tend
to be somewhat balky about delivering to houses under freeway overpasses, or
any other place that doesn't have a city-assigned address.
  Hax0r Man has other problems, too. As tends to be the case with most
microelectronics in the 21st century, the motherboard is ridiculously
integrated, having very little in the way of components and dominated by a
few monolithic ICs which hide most of their workings under a black plastic
casing. Many of these ICs appear to be ASICs, custom-made for this
motherboard, and as such Hax0r Man cannot find any pinout diagrams for them
online. At the moment, Hax0r Man is trying to tap into the inputs on an op
amp that's part of the onboard IDE controller (which in turn is part of a
giant quad-flat-pack IC with well over 100 pins that seems to control a
half-dozen different I/O functions), but he is just not quite sure which pins
he's looking for. His oscilloscope reveals many possible candidates, and he
doesn't want to go on a wild goose chase trying to see how passing data to or
from a hard drive affects the voltage on these pins; he could, of course, but
it could take hours, and he really shouldn't have to do this since the
pinouts should have been included with the machine. He intends to call their
technical support line and bother one of their techs with this admittedly
trivial problem. After all, it's their fault they didn't include the whole
packaging in the box.
  Hax0r Man doesn't have a telephone line because he never uses telephones,
but luckily, the computer company has a 1-800 support line, so Hax0r Man
calls for free from a pay phone. Hax0r Man is pleasantly surprised by the
short hold time he is subjected to: Slightly over 30 minutes. The support
tech who answers Hax0r Man's call is cheerful and energetic-sounding. He does
an excellent job of making it sound like he actually cares about Hax0r Man's
problems and wants to fix all of them while making Hax0r Man's day brighter
and more productive.
  "Thank you for calling Awesome Computers, this is Chris speaking. How may I
help you today?"
  "Hello Chris, nice to meet you," Hax0r Man says, wanting to sound duly
polite to such a nice young perky man. "I have a couple of problems with the
computer I have just received from your company. For starters, a minor
customer service issue: The machine I got somehow shipped without schematics
or ROM source listings. Is there some place I can get these on your website?
I checked but didn't see them there."
  "Um, okay, hold on. What is it that you're saying the computer shipped
without?"
  "Schematics and ROM source listings," Hax0r Man repeats. "It has a 4-page
manual telling me how to push the power button and move the mouse, and it
came with a very stylish glossy setup poster. But I need more than this to do
anything useful with the machine."
  "Okay, so you want... Schematics? You mean like diagrams of something?"
  "Yeah, exactly. You know, the circuit schematics for the motherboard and
probably the power supply as well. Plus all the disk drives."
  "Let me make sure I understand you correctly, sir. Are you asking for the
electronic circuit diagrams for your computer?"
  "Of course. What else might I be asking for?"
  "Sir, we don't ship those with our computers. They're not available to
anyone; we don't sell them separately or offer them on our website."
  "So how can I get a copy? Do I need to explicitly request one from you?"
  "Sir, we cannot give you the schematics for your computer. They are
proprietary information."
  "Sure they are, but your users still need them. Are you telling me you
expect people to use this computer with no schematics?"
  "Uh, yes, sir. Most of our customers haven't asked for any schematics."
  "Then how do they use the computer?"
  This question appears to baffle the support tech so thoroughly that for a
moment he says nothing. Hax0r Man clearly recognizes that "Chris" has no idea
how to answer this question, so Hax0r Man tries a different approach. "I need
the schematics for a project I'm working on. I can't believe you don't supply
them at all; that makes the computer completely useless. Everybody supplies
schematics with their machines, or at least in a separately available repair
manual."
  "Sir, few if any PC manufacturers supply what you're describing to their
customers." Hax0r Man actually feels sorry for Chris at this point; obviously
Chris has been working for Awesome Computers for so long that he does not
realize that *all* the major platforms have full docs available. Corporate
brainwashing at its worst.
  Hax0r Man does not wish to make Chris feel silly or awkward, so he decides
to leave this matter for the moment; he'll have to try and get transferred to
a field engineer somewhere within the company and see if he can pry some
schematics out of them. Meanwhile, Hax0r Man can ask his simple technical
question to help Chris feel more helpful.
  "Okay Chris, never mind," Hax0r Man says. "Maybe you can help me with the
little problem I've been having. I'm trying to find the input pins for the op
amp on the computer's onboard IDE controller that drives pin 17, the data 0
pin. I'm not having much luck; can you just tell me what the pin number is?"
  There is dead silence on the line for several seconds. Hax0r Man assumes
that Chris, not having this information memorized, is looking it up in some
repair manual, so Hax0r Man waits patiently. But after a long pause, Chris
makes a sound resembling a water buffalo going through explosive
decompression. "I'm sorry, sir, can you repeat your question?"
  Hax0r Man is happy to do so, and does. There is yet another pause, then
Chris says "Let me make sure I understand you. You want to find your hard
drive?... Or you want to know whether your hard drive is set to master or
slave?"
  "Um, not exactly," Hax0r Man demurs. "I want to know where the op amps are
on this IDE controller. Can you at least send me a pinout diagram for this
IC?"
  "I don't think I have one of those," Chris says doubtfully. "Are you having
a problem with the IDE controller in your computer?"
  "Nah, I just want to look at what's going into it on an oscilloscope,"
Hax0r Man says.
  "I think you're going to have a hard time using an oscilloscope on your
computer with the case closed," Chris says.
  "You're probably right. This is precisely why I don't have the case
closed."
  This sentence causes Chris to emit another airy sound, this time like a
cross between the sound of a trombone passing through several inches of dense
material and the sound of ten thousand drunken sailors being rapidly thrown
into a swimming pool containing infinitely many sharks who are also
infinitely hungry. "You opened the casing on your computer?" Chris asks when
his sound effect has concluded. "Sir, this act voids the warranty on your
machine. I'm afraid I cannot provide you any further technical support."
  Hax0r Man reaches the conclusion that Awesome Computers' support department
is worthless. Rather than getting angry about it (which would serve no
purpose), Hax0r Man tries to make the most of a negative situation. "Can you
please send me a pizza with lots of tomatoes, then?" Hax0r Man asks
plaintively.
  "Um, no, sir. Sorry." Chris sounds genuinely sorrowful.
  "Don't worry about it. Can you at least tell me what memory location the
BIOS stores its IDE controller routines at?"
  "I'm not sure I can, sir... What's a controller routine?"
  "Dude, I know more about this machine than you, yet I've been unemployed
for five (5) years, and you're working the support desk. How did you pull
that one off?"
  "Oh, it's very simple, sir, I was hired based on the ponderous quantities
of hair gel I wear every day to keep myself looking professional and
in-the-know."
  "Great. Good for you. Well, Chris, I can't say you've actually solved any
of my problems, but you've been very entertaining. I guess that counts for
something."
  "Thank you, sir, I'm glad to know I contributed in some way. In fact, did
you know that laughter actually releases cancer-fighting chemicals into your
bloodstream, and three good laughs every day will help you lose weight?"
  "Wow. Maybe you should tell me about how it only takes x number of muscles
to smile, too."
  "Good idea, sir. Did you know that it takes forty-three (43) muscles to
frown, but only seventeen (17) to smile?"
  "Yes. Have a nice day, Chris." Hax0r Man uses slightly more muscles than
either of the figures he's just been quoted to hang up the phone and return
home.