The Adventures Of Hax0r Man

Chapter 5

Hax0r Man drives a car

by LateBlt

  Some hax0rs enjoy driving; they enjoy the mechanicality of it, of operating
a large, powerful machine as part of a larger system of roadways. Other
hax0rs hate driving with a passion, typically because they lack patience and
cannot stand to wait in traffic jams or for red lights, especially since
driving itself is, to them, a waste of time, a mundane chore that shouldn't
have to be done on a regular basis, like washing dishes, or showering.
  Hax0r Man is somewhere in between. He doesn't have a particularly huge
fondness for driving, but like any hax0r, he is interested in systems, and so
the system of a car is, of course, interesting, as well as the larger system
of roads and how they interconnect. If Hax0r Man had a job, he would be
hacking the city grid, finding the most efficient route to get wherever he's
going. But Hax0r Man is in no particular hurry, and so he is content to
drive at a leisurely pace while hacking his car instead.
  Hax0r Man has added some computers to his car. The most obvious and
important is the one that controls the full-windshield HUD (Heads-Up
Display), similar to that found in military aircraft, which communicates, at
every moment in time, key information such as how fast the car is going, the
car's compass direction, what time it is, the car's altitude, the level of
fuel remaining, and where police cars are. The HUD tracks police cars with
tracking reticles which keep the driver informed at all times. This is Hax0r
Man's best and most useful car hack. But there are others.
  Hax0r Man has, of course, done away with a regular stereo, and instead
simply replaced it with a front panel that goes to a computer which is
plugged into the car's speakers. In this way, without needing to insert a
tape or CD, he can draw upon the massive storage of the computer and pull out
any song file he wishes to play. Hax0r Man isn't sure how many songs have
been written in the history of the world, but he has about 500,000 of them
stored on this computer, which he believes may be enough to last him the rest
of his life.
  Naturally, Hax0r Man's car must have a navigation system. At all times, it
shows two maps: One is a drawn street map, the other is photographic and
displays satellite imagery of the surrounding area. Some people also like to
have such navigation systems configured so that a sexy female voice reads out
which turns to take, but Hax0r Man believes he has created a better hack by
augmenting his navigation system with a sexy female voice which gives him
oral sex.
  Some people also put little screens on the backs of sun visors, which is
kind of cool, and Hax0r Man has done this just for the heck of it, but he
really does not need them since his whole windshield is, of course, one big
computer screen, so at any time while driving, if he's bored he can play Pong
or put on a movie or play Space Invaders or something like that. Nonetheless,
since he's already put screens into the sun visors, he figures he may as well
do something with them, so right now they simply process display hacks at all
times. He usually keeps the visors folded up, so they are simply showing the
display hacks to the ceiling of the car, but perhaps the ceiling appreciates
the natural beauty of smoking clover or a first-person shooter running in
demo mode.
  Hax0r Man also has a couple of computers in the glove compartment, and some
more in the trunk. These computers do not actually do anything, but the car
was made with these storage spaces, and so it would be a waste to not fill
them with something. So Hax0r Man fills them with nice computers just so he
won't be wasting trunk space.
  All in all, Hax0r Man's jalopy really isn't a bad little car. It is too bad
that his car has no engine, and that even if it did, he couldn't drive it,
since he cannot afford to get a driver's license. But realistically, it
doesn't actually matter; why would Hax0r Man want to drive anywhere
mechanically when he can use his computer to instantly go anywhere in the
world? In the scrap yard where his car sits, Hax0r Man runs a driving game on
the computer that controls the HUD, and the effect is almost the same. Hax0r
Man takes it out onto the highway! Vroom vroom!