The Adventures Of Hax0r Man

Chapter 1

Hax0r Man applies for a job

by LateBlt

  Being unemployed is always fun; the freedom and copious amounts of spare
time it affords can sometimes create enough exhileration to overcome the
shock and gloom of losing or leaving a job. Some people like being unemployed
so much that they take it on as a career. But Hax0r Man knows that it's not
against the Hax0r Ethic to work for a living; indeed, many of the greatest
hax0rs in history became great because of things they did related to their
jobs.
  So Hax0r Man decides to try getting a job. Obviously, this is easier said
than done, but like any good hax0r, Hax0r Man is patient.
  In his finest suit (camo pants and a t-shirt which actually has the logos
of several tech companies, instead of gaming references or illegal content
like most of his other shirts), Hax0r Man walks into an office
building--because he figures almost any office will needs hax0rs, right?--and
politely informs the receptionist that he is here to work for the company.
  "Oh, you're here for your first day?" she asks.
  "Yes, ma'am."
  "Wonderful, welcome to the company. I'm Cheryl." The receptionist holds out
her hand. There once was a time when Hax0r Man would have taken this as a
threat, or at least the implication of a threat. But he is a cultured,
socially well-adjusted hax0r now, and knows that this is really just an
invitation to have sex. No, wait; he stows that thought for later. The
receptionist is inviting him to shake her hand, which he does with all the
gentlemanly grace and poise that Silicon Valley's best have to offer.
  "Thank you very much," he gushes with genuine gratitude. "That was fast;
people usually need to go through some interview process or something, don't
they?"
  The receptionist pauses. "Well, I'm assuming that someone from Human
Resources has already interviewed you..." She expresses it as a statement,
but it's actually a question.
  "No, ma'am. That's kind of what I'm here for."
  "Oh. Um... Okay." Cheryl now seems flustered, as if she wasn't expecting
this. Unprofessional, Hax0r Man muses to himself. She doesn't even know how
to handle someone walking in looking for a job; surely that must happen all
the time. "I thought you were here for your first day." Again, said like a
statement, intended as a question.
  "I am. I'll happily start today. Of course the company will want to hire me
immediately, since I'm the best hax0r in the world."
  "Of course," she agrees, with a palpable mixture of amusement and disdain.
"I'll see if I can get someone from Human Resources to meet with you."
  "Thanks. Tell them it shouldn't take too long."
  I'll bet it won't, Cheryl thinks. But she says nothing more.

*  *  *

  The interviewer is impassive, but guardedly curious. "It's a little unusual
for someone to just walk in without a resume or appointment," he muses. "But
Cheryl says she was struck by your... enthusiasm."
  "Yes, sir. I have lots of enthusiasm. I'm very excited about the
possibility of working here."
  "I see. My name is Tom. And you are..." Like Cheryl, Tom holds out his
hand. Hax0r Man is briefly annoyed by the blatant homoeroticism of... Oh,
wait. Hax0r Man shakes Tom's hand.
  "Hax0r. Hax0r Man, actually, but you can just call me Hax0r."
  An unusual expression briefly flits across Tom's face. It suggests some
emotions that he is trying to suppress, as if he has suddenly felt the need
to pass a massive fart, or he's just remembering that he left his car's
headlights on. But then it passes, and Tom is back to being professional and
reservedly neutral.
  "Very well. Tell me, Hax0r, what is it that you do?"
  "I work on computers, sir. I know everything about computers. I can do
anything with them."
  "Ah, I see. You're interested in a position with our IT department, then."
  "Yes, sir. I'm ready to enter the burgeoning Commodore 64 industry."
  "The what?"
  "Yes sir, I'm interested in your IT department."
  "Okay. It happens that we actually have some opening in IT right now. Let
me see... Do you work on databases?"
  "No, sir."
  "Hmm. I thought you said you know everything about computers." This is at
least the third time in the last few minutes that Hax0r Man has been queried
by a statement.
  "Yes, sir."
  "Yet you're not familiar with databases?"
  "No, sir."
  "So knowing 'everything about computers' doesn't include databases?"
  "No, sir."
  "You realize, of course, that a database runs on a computer."
  "Yes, sir."
  "So it's part of the computer field, correct?"
  "No, sir. A database is not a computer."
  "I realize that, Hax0r. But it runs on a computer."
  "Yes, sir."
  "So by virtue of the fact that it's a computer application, it should count
as part of the computer field, correct?"
  "No, sir. A process is distinct from its application or applications."
  "Mmhmm. Okay. What about websites? We may have some openings for web
developers."
  "No sir, I don't do web development."
  "I see. Because a website is not a computer, right?"
  "Yes sir, you're correct."
  Tom pauses and rubs his hands together, looking very much like he doesn't
want to continue this conversation. But a certain sense of intrigue, rather
than practicality, drives him forward. "Tell me, Hax0r, what is an example of
a job that you *are* capable of doing and familiar with?"
  "Anything to do with computers. I know everything about CPUs, RAM, ROM,
and I/O. I can create R/S flip-flops, D flip-flops, counters, decoders, and
any other kind of digital logic structure. I can design power supply circuits
for linear, switching, and imaginary power supplies. I can do video display
circuits for CGA, EGA, VGA, and VESA. I can write a BIOS with any features
you need for any architecture. I do software, too: I write Verilog and VHDL
for FPGAs and CPLDs. I can write a device driver for any kind of device. I
design motors and actuators for floppy, fixed, and optical disk drives. I do
chemistry calculations on phosphor mixtures for CRT screens, silicon mixtures
for microelectronics, nickel/cadmium mixtures for laptop batteries, and
rubber mixtures for mouse pads. I design USB, FireWire, RS-232, and Ethernet
circuits. I can make ISA, EISA, MCA, PCI, and AGP cards for any application
you require. And I'll work for $5 a day plus a space in the server room where
I can sleep in a sleeping bag."
  Tom thinks over what he's heard. Finally, he says "You realize that none of
the skills you've mentioned are useful to any company except a company that
actually designs or manufactures computers, which isn't a business we're even
remotely involved with."
  "Oh, I'm afraid you must be mistaken, sir," Hax0r Man responds. "Everyone
has assured me that one of the nice things about being an IT person is that
computers are needed by almost any kind of business, so I'm sure you have a
need for the skills I've mentioned, even if you don't quite realize it yet."
  "Uh huh. I can't help but notice that none of the things you've mentioned
is a computer."
  "Well... No, sir, but they're all parts of a computer. What I've described
is really just the component parts of a computer."
  "Right. But you won't make a website, because it's not part of a computer."
  "You are correct, sir."
  "Doesn't it seem like since it runs *on* a computer, it should count as
part of the computer field?"
  Hax0r Man considers this bizarre piece of logic for a moment. "Um... No,
sir. That's like saying that if you want to be an auto mechanic, you should
work for the department of transportation, because cars run on roads."
  Hax0r Man's interview does not last much longer than this.

* * *

  "We'll call you" is the message Hax0r Man leaves with. He's so excited; he
got a job on the first try, and he didn't even have to send a resume or wait
to get an interview! It's been a good day. Hax0r Man goes home to his
cardboard box to party like an animal: Tonight, he will download and install
new open-source software. Let the town beware!