The Adventures Of Hax0r Man

Chapter 9

Hax0r Man rides public transit

by LateBlt

  It's a nice day, so Hax0r Man decides to take a tour of the cityside. He
knows that passenger trains exist for precisely the purpose of carrying
people around, so Hax0r Man decides to see what it's like to ride on the
public transit system. Maybe he'll see something interesting.
  When Hax0r Man gets on the train, he senses something wrong immediately.
There is nothing in the train except seats. Hax0r Man examines the seats
closely to see if any features are cleverly hidden, but no, these really are
just seats for people to sit on. Hax0r Man wonders where the keyboards and
screens are. What's the purpose of having a chair if there's no console in
front of it?
  Unable to figure out how these invisible computers work, Hax0r Man gives up
for a while and simply stares out the window. He sees a lot of things, but
they all look the same after a while: Trees, grass, buildings, streets, and
the sky make up a majority of what Hax0r Man sees. He's heard that sometimes
you can catch nice scenery on a train, but that doesn't appear to be the case
for this train; he sees no computers or electronics anywhere on the trip,
unless perhaps some are hidden in the trees. Hax0r Man makes a note of the
trees he sees, to come back and check them later for hidden computers or
electronics. Perhaps these are crafty computer-hiding trees.
  After a while, a gentleman in some kind of uniform comes walking down the
train asking people for their tickets. When he gets to Hax0r Man, at first
Hax0r Man does not respond, since he does not have a ticket and figures he
therefore doesn't have to answer. But the man is persistent, and repeats his
question a second, and then a third time: "Sir! I need to see your ticket."
  Finally, Hax0r Man looks up. "It's okay, I don't have one, but I appreciate
your asking, thanks."
  The uniformed gentleman looks like he was not expecting a response along
these lines. "Sir, you need to have a ticket to be on this train."
  "I do? I never opened a ticket because I haven't had any technical support
issues."
  "I beg your pardon?"
  "I never received a ticket, nor did I speak to anybody about getting one."
  "Okay, but you need to have one."
  "Can you open one for me, then?"
  "No sir, you need to purchase one before you get on the train."
  "I need to buy a tech support ticket when I don't even have a support
issue?"
  "Sir, I'm not talking about a tech support ticket. I'm talking about a
transit ticket. A piece of paper indicating that you've bought a ride."
  "Oh! It's just a piece of paper? No problem, I can print one up for you
now." Hax0r Man has a portable printer built into his jacket as part of the
array of wearable computers he wears, and he quickly runs a paint program,
creates the word "TICKET" in a graphic, and prints it on a slip of paper.
"Here you go, sir," Hax0r Man says politely, offering the slip to the
uniformed gentleman.
  Unfortunately, the uniformed gentleman adopts a facial expression which
suggests he has just tasted something highly unpleasant. Hax0r Man correctly
interprets this expression to mean the uniformed gentleman is somewhat
nonplussed by something. "Sir," he says in an increasingly non-gentlemanly
voice, "You need to have a valid ticket, which can only be gotten from a
ticket vendor. You cannot just print your own ticket."
  "Okay. Where can I find a ticket vendor?"
  "There's one at every train station."
  "Okay. And they'll just give me this piece of paper?"
  "Well, yes sir, as long as you pay for it."
  "Oh, I need to use money to get it?"
  "Yes sir, that's correct."
  "No problem, I have lots of money in all of the major online role-playing
games. I'll just send you some right now. What's your character's name?"
  "Sir, we cannot accept online role-playing game money; it has to be real
money. And you cannot give it to me, you have to give it to an authorized
ticketing agent."
  "I'll do it right now online, then. What's the website?"
  "Sir, we don't sell tickets on our website..."
  "WHAT?! But this is Silicon Valley! Everything is for sale online! Who uses
point-of-sale transactions anymore?"
  "We don't, sir."
  "Oh. Okay, thanks for telling me." Hax0r Man is glad for this piece of
information, and now, assuming the conversation over, he turns and looks back
out the window.
  "Sir!" the uniformed not-so-much-of-a-gentleman-anymore says sharply, "If
you do not have a ticket and are not willing to purchase one, I will need to
remove you from this train."
  "What, I can't ride this train? But this is a passenger train. Don't
passenger trains exist explicitly for the purpose of carrying people around?"
  "Yes sir..."
  "So isn't taking people off the train sort of defeating the purpose of
having the train in the first place?"
  "Sir, we are arriving at our next station stop. You must buy a ticket here.
If you do not, I cannot allow you to remain or get back on this train."
  "I guess I'll get off here, then. Thanks for the nice ride." Hax0r Man is
irritated by this turn of events, but he still tries to be polite as he
leaves.
  Hax0r Man finds himself in a place which is unfamiliar, yet very similar to
every other place he's ever seen: It consists predominantly of streets and
buildings. Hax0r Man is not sure how to get home, but he notices that there
is a freeway overpass not far away, which means he has a new home here. It's
nice to have a change of scenes now and then. Hax0r Man cannot understand why
people complain about moving and what a hassle it is; all you have to do is
go somewhere else, and the move is complete. As Hax0r Man settles into his
new home under a new freeway, he decides to celebrate by playing 46 computer
games all at once. Today, Hax0r Man had a nice journey, but in this case, the
destination was the biggest reward. High score!